I apologize that I have not posted recently. This past week I re-read chapter 3 of Dr. John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, along with a great article on effective communication called “Speak, Listen & Love” by Mark Ogletree in the February 2014 Ensign Magazine. I am including my notes below which are mostly direct quotes from the article and the chapter. For more detail and a broader perspective, please read the entire article and the chapter. They are outstanding. (Click on the pink title of the article in order to read the article–it is a hyperlink. You will need to purchase Dr. Gottman’s book in order to read chapter 3.)
Notes from “Speak, Listen & Love” by Mark Ogletree February 2014 Ensign Magazine
I can identify with the example given in this article because I think that both my husband and I are effective communicators in general but not with each other.
“I have learned over the years that healthy communication affects both the heart and the mind. If we can communicate better—meaning more clearly and concisely—then we can forge deeper emotional connections, resolve conflicts, and strengthen the bonds in our marital relationship.”
Douglas Brinley: “Three levels of communication in relationships: superficial, personal, and validating. In order for a deep bond to form between a husband and a wife, there needs to be a balance between all three.1”
“Communication that falls in the superficial level is informative and nonconfrontational, and it involves a low level of risk…. Although this type of communication is necessary, individuals cannot become deeply connected and bound together if the majority of communication remains here.
“Superficial communication can supplant deep and meaningful conversations. If couples tiptoe around deeper issues that should be discussed, they will never learn to resolve conflict or connect with each other. Couples bond as they discuss things that matter—not things that don’t. I have seen many couples in my practice who have tried to preserve their relationship by keeping their communication at the superficial level. By avoiding the “weightier matters” (Matthew 23:23), they have actually destroyed their marriage.”
“During personal communication, you share your interests, dreams, passions, beliefs, and goals. You also are open to sharing your fears and inadequacies. Communicating all these issues in a Christlike manner is one way couples connect and strengthen the relationship. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–1994) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, “Communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.”
“As you continue to share what is important, you and your spouse will feel mutually appreciated, wanted, valued, and needed. As you learn to validate what your spouse shares—showing that what he or she says is important to you—you will progress to the next level of communication.”
I want to remember to listen more and validate what my spouse shares even if I completely disagree. I also hope to learn to express ideas that are edifying and healing.
“Marriage experts Sandra Blakeslee and Judith S. Wallerstein have written: “A marriage that does not provide nurturance and restorative comfort can die of emotional malnutrition.”4 Communication that validates is edifying, healing, nurturing, and complimentary. In this level of communication, we express praise and compliments to those we care about. Almost every relationship will thrive if there is a healthy dose of validation.
“Validation begins with paying attention to what your spouse is saying and includes expressing ideas and thoughts that are edifying and healing.”
“By verbally acknowledging your spouse’s emotions, fears, thoughts, or concerns, you are communicating validation and conveying appreciation, love, and respect.”
I hope to learn to really listen to my spouse no matter what I want to say. “Being heard is akin to being loved; in fact, being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation. By listening, we are saying to our spouse, “You matter to me, I love you, and what you have to say is important.”
“In marriage the goal of listening should not be to acquire information but to gain understanding. To truly understand your spouse is to see an issue the way your spouse sees it.”
Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that husbands and wives should “learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.”
“Elder Joe J. Christensen, formerly of the Seventy, counseled: “Make the time to listen to your spouse; even schedule it regularly. Visit with each other and assess how you are doing as a marriage partner.”7 Setting aside time to talk where there are no distractions will help to solve problems. Make sure to be positive, maintain a Christlike demeanor, and avoid interrupting your spouse when he or she is talking to you.”
“Nonverbal cues….positive body language can reinforce validation and strengthen your relationship.”
“Emmulate the Savior’s communication… As you engage in meaningful conversations with your spouse, guide your actions and words by following the example of Jesus Christ. His communication with others radiated love, care, and concern. He spoke gently and loved purely. He showed compassion and granted forgiveness. He listened attentively and demonstrated charity. Likewise, if we want our relationships to improve, we must learn to speak in positive ways that edify and build those around us”.
“Understanding your spouse, creating an environment that fosters open communication and expression, and demonstrating fondness and admiration are keys to a stronger relationship and a happier marriage.”
I desire to do a better job of creating an environment that fosters open communication and expression because I feel like I get offended and then shut down my husband’s desire and ability to communicate. I also want to do a better job of demonstrating fondness and admiration when I am speaking and listening.
Notes from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman
“I predict their marriage will falter not because they argue— after all, I asked them to. Anger between husband and wife doesn’t itself predict marital meltdown…. The clues to Dara and Oliver’s future breakup are in the way they argue, which leaves them vulnerable to increasing negativity and distrust.”
“Dara may have legitimate reasons to feel deep frustration toward her husband. But the way she expresses herself will be a major roadblock to resolving their differences.”
How Dr. Gottman predicts divorce: Six Signs that Predict Divorce
- The First Sign: Harsh start ups. “When a discussion leads off this way—with criticism and/or sarcasm, which is a form of contempt—it has begun with a “harsh start-up.” Although Dara talks to Oliver in a very soft, quiet voice, there’s a load of negative power in her words. After hearing the first minute or so of their conversation, it’s no surprise to me that by the end Dara and Oliver haven’t resolved their differences at all. The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh start-up, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction! A harsh start-up simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.”
- The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen. “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.” A complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event. “I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen last night. We agreed that we’d take turns. Could you please do it now?” is a complaint. Like many complaints, it has three parts: (1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”); (2) About a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”)-, (3) And here’s what I need/want/prefer (“Could you do it now?”). In contrast, a criticism (Horseman 1) is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality. Example: I need you to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight. I want us to schedule a romantic evening this week. Criticism. Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. Are you avoiding spending time alone with me?”. Horseman 2: Contempt. The second horseman arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect. Data’s sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved…. Belligerence, a close cousin of contempt, is just as deadly to a relationship. It is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation. When a wife complains that her husband doesn’t come home from work in time for dinner, a belligerent response would be “Well, what are you going to do about it?” When Peter says to Cynthia, “What are you going to do, sue me?” he thinks he’s making a joke, but he’s really being belligerent. Horseman 3: Defensiveness. It’s no surprise, considering how nasty her husband is being, that Cynthia defends herself. She points out that she doesn’t get her car washed as often as he thinks. She explains that it’s more difficult physically for her to wash her car herself than it is for him to wash his truck. Although it’s understandable that Cynthia would defend herself, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” One common form of defensiveness is the “innocent victim” stance, which often entails whining and sends the message: “Why are you picking on me? What about all the good things I do? There’s no pleasing you.” Defensiveness in all its guises just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly. Horseman 4: Stonewalling. In marriages where discussions begin with a harsh start-up, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness and vice versa, eventually one partner tunes out…. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.”
- The Third Sign: Flooding. Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed, a sensation we call flooding. It occurs when your spouse’s negativity is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay. The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hypervigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. That’s why all Mack can think about is protecting himself from how awful Rita’s onslaught makes him feel. And the way he does that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship.
- The Fourth Sign: Body Language. Even if I could not hear the conversation between Mack the stonewaller and, his wife, Rita, I would be able to predict their divorce simply by looking at his physiological readings. When we monitor couples for bodily changes during a tense discussion, we can see just how physically distressing flooding is…. These changes are so dramatic that if one partner is frequently flooded during marital discussions, it’s easy to predict that, unless the dynamic between them changes, they will end up divorced. Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded—the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on—make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem solving discussion. When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen in the midst of a discussion with your mate, the consequences are disastrous. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving and your sense of humor go out the window. You’re left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone. Most likely, the discussion will just worsen the situation. Since marital confrontation that activates vigilance takes a greater physical toll on the male, it’s no surprise that men are more likely than women to attempt to avoid it. It’s a biological fact: men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives. As part of our experiments, we asked couples to watch themselves arguing on tape and then tell us what they were thinking when our sensors detected they were flooded. Their answers suggest that men have a greater tendency to have negative thoughts that maintain their distress, while women are more likely to think soothing thoughts that help them calm down and be conciliatory. Men, generally, either think about how righteous and indignant they feel (“I’m going to get even,” “I don’t have to take this”), which tends to lead to contempt or belligerence, or think about themselves as an innocent victim of their wife’s wrath or complaint (“Why is she always blaming me?”), which leads to defensiveness…. when either partner begins to feel flooded routinely, the relationship is in serious trouble. Frequently feeling flooded leads almost inevitably to emotional distancing, which in turn leads to feeling lonely. Without help, the couple will end up divorced or living in a dead marriage in which they maintain separate, parallel lives in the same home. They may go through the motions of togetherness— attending their children’s plays, hosting dinner parties, taking family vacations. But emotionally they no longer feel connected to each other. They have given up.
- “The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts. By analyzing any disagreement a couple has, you get a good sense of their pattern, which is unlikely to change unless they receive the right sort of help (studying marriage and family at BYUI has helped me tremendously to change my destructive patterns of communication in my marriage.) Repair attempts, as I described on page 27, are efforts the couple makes (“Let’s take a break,” “Wait, I need to calm down”) to de-escalate the tension during a touchy discussion—to put on the brakes so that they can prevent flooding. …In unhappy marriages, a feedback loop develops between the four horsemen and the failure of repair attempts. The more contemptuous and defensive the couple are with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair. And since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness just get heightened, making flooding more pronounced, which makes it more difficult to hear the next repair attempt, until finally one partner withdraws….In marriages in which the four horsemen have moved in for good, even the most articulate, sensitive, well-targeted repair attempt is likely to fail abysmally…. How do you improve the odds that your attempts will work? In the chapters ahead, you’ll learn to increase the success rate by enhancing the quality of your underlying friendship.”
- “The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories. I have found over and over that couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past. Based on their answers to questions about their early courtship, their wedding, their first year together, I can predict their chances of divorce, even if I’m not privy to their current feelings….When the four horsemen overrun a home, impairing the communication, the negativity mushrooms to such a degree that everything a spouse does—or ever did—is recast in a negative light. In a happy marriage, if the husband promises to pick up the wife’s dry cleaning but forgets, she is likely to think, “Oh well, he’s been under a lot of stress lately and needs more sleep.” She considers his lapse to be fleeting and caused by a specific situation. In an unhappy marriage, the same circumstance is likely to lead to a thought like “He’s just always so inconsiderate and selfish.” By the same token, in a happy marriage a loving gesture, like a wife greeting her husband with a passionate kiss at the end of the workday, is seen as a sign that the spouse is loving and thoughtful. But in an unhappy marriage, the same action will lead the husband to think, “What does she want out of me?”
“A marriage’s meltdown can be predicted, then, by habitual harsh start-up and frequent flooding brought on by the relentless presence of the four horsemen during disagreements. Although each of these factors alone can predict a divorce, they usually coexist in an unhappy marriage.”
“Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by staying together but leading parallel lives. Whatever the route, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship. 1. The couple see their marital problems as severe. 2. Talking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own. 3. The couple lead parallel lives. 4. Loneliness sets in.”
“But like so many experts before me, I was wrong. I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages. After tracking the lives of happily married couples for as long as twenty years, I now know that the key to reviving or divorce proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you’re not fighting. So, although my Seven Principles will also guide you in coping with conflict, the basis of my approach, which forms the first three principles, is to strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage.
“The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationship’s future because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override. As we’ve seen, PSO is like an insurance policy—it dramatically increases the odds that repair attempts will regularly work and defuse tension. So, whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship. The first step in this process is to take a look at how much you really (still) know about each other.”
Emotionally Intimate Marriage: A "Happily Ever After" That Isn't Make Believe 