“Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive,” says Dr. John Gottman. “Most marriage arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pp. 28, 139).
It is certainly true that no matter how many times we talk about it, I will always prefer to own a practical, safe minivan and my husband will still prefer to drive a fast, top-brand sports car. More seriously, the things that help me to feel emotionally connected are not the same as what makes my husband feel connected. So, should we just keep silent about our differences and avoid the conflicts that can’t be resolved anyway? No! As Dr. Gottman teaches, “avoiding conflict…leads to emotional disengagement” which puts us on a “course toward leading parallel lives and inevitable loneliness—the death knell for any marriage” (p. 140). The key is to learn how to manage conflict in a way that allows you to honor and respect each other which requires empathy and leads to compromise.
Dr. Gottman suggests the following keys to managing conflict (pp 157-159):
- Listen to each other’s negative emotions which “hold important information about how to love each other better.” Remember the motto, “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”
- “No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.”
- “Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are…Make sure your partner feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.”
- “Focus on fondness and admiration.” Dr. Gottman teaches the importance of cherishing your partner by maximizing positive thoughts about your partner and minimizing negative ones (p79). As Neil Barrignham says, “The grass is greener where you water it” (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-grass-is-greener-where-you-water-it/)
The following 5 steps are Dr. Gottman’s model for resolving conflict. (These steps can be studied in more depth in Chapter 9 of his book).
- Soften your start-up
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
- Soothe yourself and each other.
- Compromise.
- Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.
Soft start-ups are critical in order to have a productive, respectful conversation. Gottman’s 4 steps to a soft start-up include:
- “I share some responsibility for this…”
- “Here’s how I feel…”
- “About this specific situation…”
- “Here’s what I need….”
Gottman also explains the importance of complaining without blaming (I feel…about what…and I need…), starting your statements with “I” instead of “you”, describing the situation according to what you see without evaluation or judgement, clearly stating your needs (don’t expect mind reading), always being polite and appreciative. It is also important not to wait too long before addressing an issue because a soft start-up is difficult when you are ready to burst (pp. 167-168).
Challenges and conflicts in marriage can teach and train us to better people. Dr. Wallace Goddard said, “When we see our challenges within marriage as customized invitations to greater goodness, we will rejoice in His perfect purposes. When we understand our marriages to be the best opportunity, we will ever have to show our generosity of spirit, we will be ready to be the kind of partners God would have us be” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 111). That greater goodness and generosity of spirit can be enhanced as we honor and respect each other even in the midst of conflict. When my husband gave me a ride in his new sports car yesterday, he couldn’t wait to show me how quickly it accelerates. I absolutely hated the experience, but was able to find joy through watching his excitement and loved the time together (especially after he slowed down).
Emotionally Intimate Marriage: A "Happily Ever After" That Isn't Make Believe 